One Piece, Two Piece, Three Piece, Floor
by Solitary Shadow
Summary: Edited. Janga is fed up with Garlen's plans that always seem to fail. So he comes up with the ultimate plan... causing imense chaos among Lunatea. Birthday ficcie to Noma the Fox.


**Disclaimer:** Namco owns them all. Hand Jillius, Klonoa and Guntz over to me, dammit. The Internet is for porn.

**Author's Note:** Just... just read. I can't summarize this.

BTW, Happy Birthday to Noma the Fox. Oreos for you! (Showers with Oreo)

This has been edited, because I realized too late that I'd missed out a segment in the beginning. Various errors have been fixed now.

* * *

Lightening flashed in the darkness, illuminating all the grounds. Within all the confusion, a solitary figure charged towards another.

"Whoa!" The charging figure shouted, dodging around. "Watch where you're _going,_ you asshole!"

"Fuck you!" The other figure shouted back, and disappeared into the darkness. The charging figure stopped, ground his teeth and threw down the purple hat he wore.

"Ugh, that does it! Klonoa's going to annoy me for the last time!" Janga screamed.

Another burst of thunder struck.

"And in the meantime, I shall rule this world!" He shouted once more, and laughed like a maniac.

* * *

Garlen was pacing around in his study, muttering under his breath.

"I have it! It's the perfect plan!" Then he drooped and sighed again. "No, I'll never be able to persuade Jillius-san into killing Klonoa."

Another bout of pacing.

"That's it! No, Guntz gets in the way..."

"What the fuck is he doing?" Janga muttered. Joka glanced at the purple cat from a pile of cushions, and trotted over to him.

"Planning, Janga-chan. He does this for twenty hours every day."

"So he eats, sleeps and does all the usual crap in the remaining four hours?" Janga shook his head disbelievingly. "Gawd, that guy's seriously deprived."

"Have any ideas, you two?" Garlen asked suddenly and desperately. "I can't come up with anything. Think about it, pleeeeeeeease?"

"Fuck off." Janga glared at Garlen and went back to swigging down his vodka. The inventor gave the cat the one-finger salute, and went out, muttering darkly to himself. There was peace and quiet in the room for a long time.

Suddenly, Janga stood up, knocking the vodka bottle over.

"That's it! I've got the perfect plan!" He grined, showing his white, gleaming fangs. "I'M GOING TO EAT THE LUNATEAN MOON! MWUWAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"... What was that..?" Ghadius glided into the room, yawning. "Didn't quite catch that, sorry."

"He's going to eat the Lunatean Moon," Joka said in awe, gazing at the tall purple cat. Janga had heard none of this, however, and called out.

"PLANNER!" He shouted. "PLANNER!" Two Moos, holding a blackboard and a chalk, sithered into the room and bowed, setting the equipment out on the table. They recieved a swift kick to the face, and crawled out.

"Password?" Joka asked. Janga had this rule not to use the blackboard unless the password was said. Which was completely ridiculous, of course.

"DIE, STUPID WHELP!" Janga screamed, and he laughed from all four corners of the room.

"Whelp? What whelp?"

"Guntz the Bounty Hunter." Joka was still staring. "How can he do that...?"

"Beats me. Maybe he can throw his voice around... or he can do an echo effect..."

"What dates are free?" Janga demanded to know. Joka picked the 'planner' up, and checked it.

"Ummm... today's Sunday. Monday, you have karaoke strip club night. Tuesday, you have major vodka and whiskey shopping. Wednesday, you have Lunar base infiltration project. Thursday, you're due to steal some more files for Garlen's machinary. Friday and Saturday you're in for a manicure and salon, and Sunday is free."

"Well, I want my Sunday free. Obviously we can't miss my manicure and salon, the karaoke strip club, or alcohol shopping. That means I have two choices..." Janga clicked his nails together. "I'll do it Thursday. I only do the damned stealing cause the son-of-a-bitch won't pay me otherwise." He glanced at the two villains. "Okay?"

A nod.

"Good. Now get lost! You're annoying the fuck out of me!" The two fled the room, and Janga was left cackling insanely in the room alone.

* * *

Thursday came quickly, and it was soon time to eat the Lunatean Moon. So the villains, along with some Moos, hopped onto a rocket and set off for the Moon itself.

"Janga-chan..." Joka whimpered. "... You do... realize that the Moon is already inhabited by numerous people...?"

"They can go screw themselves," Was the reply. "I'll drive them out."

Sure enough, when the group arrived, Janga screamed at the top of his voice that he had a lethal bomb. For a few moments the inhabitants ran around in a panic - Unfortunately, the gravity in the Moon is only about a sixth of Lunatea's. Naturally, every inhabitant floated up and were lost in space forever, until the Moon became deserted.

"I brought ketchup!" Ghadius yelled, holding up a red bottle.

"Good!" Within a few seconds that whole Moon was covered in ketchup. Every Moo and villain tucked in heartily, except for Garlen, who protested that 'the taste was icky'. Janga chucked him a bottle of rum to shut him up.

But their plan was working in a rather different way, for there were two Lunateans who were trying to have a romantic evening...

* * *

"Klonoa, darling, isn't the Moon beautiful tonight?" Guntz purred seductively, putting an arm around the cabbit. Klonoa giggled and snuggled close.

"Beautiful indeed... Guntz..." He sighed. "You know... It'll only be another month before we see our baby, don't we?"

"Yes." Guntz rubbed Klonoa's stomach slightly. "You haven't showed much, though."

"That's because it's a male pregnancy." Klonoa sighed again. "Although... Guntz... I'm STILL anemic. How much more iron do I have to take?"

"About another five kilograms."

"Screw that! The kid'll be made of iron by the time I have it! Wait... wait a moment... Is it just me, or is the Moon getting smaller?"

"What?" Guntz shot up and stared at the Moon. Sure enough, there were things crawling all over it, and the Moon was getting smaller by the second.

"Someone's titchifying the Lunatean Moon!"

"Nooooo!" Guntz shouted. "The Lunatean Moon is getting titchified! Oh, what are we to do?"

"Get help, quick!"

* * *

"Your Highness? Your orders?"

"Get lost, I'm being pensive." Jillius yelled in reply. "Bring me my tylenol and get the hell out of here. Namco told me to do this."

"Yes, Your Highness." The servant replied calmly, and then walked out.

"Stupid servants." Jillius muttered darkly as he grabbed the bottle of tylenol. "Waste of time and money..." He didn't get very far though, because his cellphone rang. He picked it up and pressed the 'Call' button, holding it up. "Hello?"

The phone kept ringing.

About five seconds later, Jillius noticed that he'd been holding the tylenol bottle up instead. Cursing, he picked up the cellphone and tried again. "What do you want?"

"Jillius, come quick!" Guntz's frantic voice rang out. "The Moon is getting smaller! There are those black things crawling everywhere-"

"What in the world are you talking about?" Jillius cut through him harshly, and threw down the phone.

"Fucking bastard!" Guntz's yells still crackled through the phone. Jillius blew it up with his powers and stormed out to the balcony.

And stared.

"Holy crud!" He screamed. "The Lunatean Moon _is_ geting titchified!"

"You don't even live in Lunatea, love!" Musica, who had appeared out of absolutely nowhere, said. Jillius just banged his head repeatedly on the wall, screaming incomprehensible words, and teleported out with a yell of "_So bloody_ _what?_"

* * *

"Stop eating!" Janga shouted after what seemed like five hours. "We need to leave this bit to take off." All the villains and Moos, all full up with the Moon fragments and covered in ketchup (except Garlen, who was passed out after drinking five bottles of rum and carried by five Moos) boarded the rocket and came down to Lunatea once more.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I SHALL RULE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Janga's insane cackles bounced off all the walls in their base.

"Shove off now, all of you." Everyone departed, and Janga cackled madly to himself.

"Now for my manicure set!"

His laughter hung around and echoed off the walls for a long time after he'd left.

* * *

Soon, all the Breezegale inhabitants and Klonoa's friends were gathered underneath the now almost-non-existant Moon.

"There's only one person who could have done this," Guntz snarled. "It's that fricking bastard Janga! I'll kill him for this!"

"Sure you will. Once we figure out what to do." Leorina mused. "The Moon's now completely gone..."

"This is serious news," Jillius said solemnly. "Without the Lunatean Moon, people can no longer enjoy the moonlight, the world will all freeze at night due to no light in the sky, the ice caps will increase in size, our seas will freeze over and we shall all die. Plus, I won't be able to sing serenades and cut myself by moonlight."

"Shut the fuck_ up_." Guntz muttered. "You're so goddamn emo. Be cheerful for once."

"Oh, I _will_." Jillius pointed to the sky. "The Moon isn't fully gone. There's that one crumb left."

"So there's only one crumb left in the sky..." Klonoa looked at the emperor. "Can't you magic it back? Your powers are far superior to ours."

Jillius shook his head. "The Moon is too big and that needs too much power. I can't magic it back." He frowned slightly, thinking. "Although... I might be able to _inflate_ that crumb. What we need... well... what we need is one very fat person."

Everyone looked at Pango.

"Oh, no, not me!" Pango looked around in panic. "It... it doesn't have to be a Lunatean, does it?"

"Pango, I thought you of all people would understand the significance of the Moon." Jillius replied, still looking at him. "It's the _Lunatean_ Moon we're trying to return here."

"So, Pango...? Step forward?" Guntz smiled.

"But... but... I'm thin! I went on a diet!" Pango whined, trying to look as thin as possible.

"You're not exactly skin and bones, are you?" Leorina asked. "In fact, you're remarkably fat, unlike someone here. Deal with it." After her words she muttered something that sounded very much like 'Jillius!' under her breath.

"That's not fair, Leorina! Just because I don't eat Jillius's diet pills doesn't mean that I'm less good!"

"You took my pills?" Jillius said quietly. "You like eating them? Jeez, you all need a damn life."

"Uh... well... not really..." Began all the skeletal Lunateans.

But Lephise decided to interrupt. "Look into my scary big bright wide green eyes and say that. You can't, can you? See, you _can't_."

At this point, Klonoa decided to create a diversion by screaming 'RUPRUDU!' out of the blue.

"What is it, Klonoa?" Guntz shouted. "Janga? Is he here?"

"No. I just like saying it. It adds character."

"Back to the point, Pango." Jillius said yet again. "So..."

"No," Pango cried. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, _no_, not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin."

"PLEEEEEASE?" Klonoa, Guntz and Leorina all made the cutest kitten-eyes possible, begging on their knees.

"No!"

"Tell you what, Pango... If you agree, we'll allow you to go out with Jillius."

"_Fuck off_." Jillius shouted. "I already have a love." He was suddenly knocked unconscious by a very stressed out Klonoa, who had decided to wallop him over the head with a piece of iron.

"It's not because Jillius happens to be stick-thin... It's because he's classy and all." Leorina said. "After all, he's tall, good-looking, talented, powerful, rich, clever and there are sparkles hanging around him. What more can a girl possibly want?"

"Actually, you do have a point there." Pango agreed. "He's sparkly and magical and all and I find that just really_ sexy_..."

Jillius randomly decided to wake up at that precise moment and started screaming.

"Shut him_ up_, someone." Guntz shouted, and it was followed by another swing of Klonoa's piece of iron. And yet another, as he knocked Pango unconscious as well.

"That's my baby." Guntz purred, and then swept Klonoa up to his arms, and they both ran together to do very nasty things that can only be described in NC-17 ficcies, while the rest of the crew dragged Pango to Jillius's body.

* * *

One hour later...

"You do realize... that I could have walked over there instead of you lot dragging him over here?" Jillius asked, amused. He'd waken up over forty minutes ago and was thoroughly enjoying the sight of over five Lunateans dragging Pango to him.

"Shush." Leorina snarled. "You're not helping."

"Whatever." Jillius stood up, and performed a complex bit of magic to inflate the Moon. "To the Moon, Pango!"

"Yes, my friends, to the Moon!" A koala wearing a fluffy boa shouted from a nearby tree. Everyone ignored it, though, because they were all watching the Moon grow fatter... and Pango grow thinner.

"Oh, my. He's actually quite good-looking!" Lephise gasped.

"You know... you have a point..." Jillius agreed. "Before he really let himself go and became obese, he was actually quite nice-looking..."

"There! It's stopped!" Leorina pointed to the Moon, and sure enough, the Lunatean Moon was shining bright as always. Everyone smiled at the sight, just as Pango woke up.

"Mmm... what happen'?" Pango slurred. Everyone looked at each other.

"You explain." Jillius said as he sat down. "I need a break."

* * *

Oh, it all ended happily ever after, of course. Jillius and Pango found true, true love and went off together, Leorina went back to thieving, Lephise went back to being a diva, and Guntz and Klonoa saw their baby (who, fortunately, was not made of metal).

But meanwhile...

"Ah well... at least they haven't figured out where all the stars went yet." Janga muttered to himself. "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I SHALL RULE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

Um... yeah. O.o

Happy Birthday, Noma! Sorry for the lateness!

And the editing, too, come to think of it... x.x


End file.
